“You opened my eyes / when I was sleeping.” The only words that Jeremy Enigk added to his thirty year anniversary live recording of their seminal album, Diary, recorded at London Bridge Studios in the city of Seattle where they formed in 1992. It’s a line taken from their follow up album, LP2 (or the Pink Album), and it most likely refers to his radical conversion to Christianity, between the debut and sophomore album, which led to their subsequent break up. Well, they have broken up and reunited a few times, and now, back together, they are touring Diary, front to back, in cities throughout the United States.
I will get to the remake, in due time, but my story is inextricably linked to Sunny Day’s, as a musician, a music listener and critic, and as a spiritual person. The story goes for me, I grew up in a Catholic family that didn’t put a lot of emphasis on issues of faith, but friends from middle school invited me to their youth group. I just wanted to feel included in something, and my emotional heart (fit for emo music) felt something when they were singing, “As the deer pants for the water / so my soul longs for you.” And the youth group games, the friends I made, were fun.
As youth groups back in the day did, they had a summer sleep away camp, and I went with my friends, sang praise songs, listened to sermons (to little avail,) played “pool olympics,” made out with girls I was interested in, and the like. But the pivotal thing for me, was meeting some alternative kids, who I felt a kinship with because of the outcast feeling in my heart, and the unique, almost gothic way they dressed and cut their hair. (I was pretty young.) And one of the them suggested, in passing, I give Sunny Day Real Estate a try. This is pre-conversion, mind you.
When I got home from camp, I bought the album on CD (we did that back in the day,) and listened through, and it didn’t really strike me as that interesting or cool, nothing like the Depeche Mode or Erasure that I had been so into. But I wanted, so bad, to “get it,” to feel it, that I listened to it a dozen or two dozen times. (A pivotal moment for me, as a music listener: realizing that music grows on you with more listens.) And the album opened up to me, like a lotus flower. The guitars and melodies, William Goldsmith’s drums, Jeremy Enigk’s angsty lyrics, grew on me and started forming in me an identity that I was so craving to have.
Fast forward, to my high school years, where I listened to LP2 and was transported to “emo land” on the bus to wrestling meets, and then, in a particularly tumultuous period in my life, feeling deeply “How It Feels To Be Something On,” and wondering, how does it feel “to be something on”? I was having a crisis of identity, and somehow unearthed Jeremy Enigk’s famous letter about giving his life to Christ. He said something along the lines, that it would be a hard choice, that it wouldn’t come naturally or “feel” like the right choice, but that it had brought him immense happiness since he made the change of heart.
I was reading Camus and Kafka at the time, and had a pretty strong suspicion that the world was “absurd” and twisted, and in my mind played all kind of dark thoughts about humanity and the state of the world. But I’d also taken a course on African American church history, played Jesus in Godspell, where I heard Jesus smiling at me through my headphones while memorizing the songs I needed to sing, (which broke my idea of Jesus as a stern authoritarian,) and I had a radical brother who had a heart many times mine for the outcast, something that I saw in Christ, as well. So I decided to give it a chance and prayed to become a Christian. (I’ll get to the album, I swear.)
Anyway, it felt like God found me in MY passions, instead of the other way around. And I have a deep belief that following our hearts is the very place where we will meet the transcendent. For a while I was “by the book,” a carbon copy Evangelical, with my own flavor, of course. But now I resonate with Jeremy Enigk’s lyrics from one of his solo albums: “Part of my own sense of what is right / Part of my own sense of where it went wrong.” In other words, you can believe in Christ and have your own thoughts and convictions, that may run counter to the mainstream ideas, taught in mainstream churches. Something that other artists who have been Christian, like Moby and Sufjan Stevens, have shared as well.
So, listening tonight, transported me back to being twelve or thirteen, in my basement, playing and replaying the album Diary on my parents’ stereo. Except, Jeremy Enigk’s vocals are stronger (he had a cold when they recorded it the first time, and always wished that the vocals reflected his strong voice, more). The guitars were clearer and had even more attack than the original recording; listening to the guitars on this recording, you can see how Sunny Day started a revolution of music at the time, that’s still going today. And the harmonies are stronger and clearer, as well.
It’s a faithful rendering, and a treat for anyone who has followed Jeremy Enigk’s evolution as a singer and a songwriter. (The songs are all impeccably written and stand, even to this day, as classics in the emo genre of music.) I was reminded of learning the drums to “The Blankets Were The Stairs” in my basement drum room; the poem I wrote that almost completely copied the song “Shadows,” down to the chairs as mountains line; the bliss I felt listening to the simple piano song, “Pheurton Skeurto,” and the ways (we didn’t know then) that that would play out in Enigk’s more singer songwritery career as an artist.
The last song, “Novum Vetus,” doesn’t fit the aesthetic so much, (it recalls How It Feels To Be Something On, much more than Diary,) though it is, of course a treat for any long time fan, like me. And even better than that, hints at a possible new album, coming from their direction, though there’s been nothing officially announced yet.
This album was seminal in many people’s lives, whether it was the beginning of a faith journey, like mine, or it was the beginning of a musical journey, leading many people into a world of musical possibilities beyond our wildest imaginations. It is fitting to me, that my spiritual life should be mirrored by one of the most original, artistically genuine, and far reaching bands as Sunny Day Real Estate, and I think they have a sense for the purpose that they have added to many people’s lives, simply by following their hearts, having a high artistic and aesthetic standard, and braving the doubters and taking the stage and writing the albums. The most impressive part of this whole record, is that it was recorded live. I’ve seen them four or five times live, and their live show is a sort of miracle, as you feel, listening to the record.
Music, to me, what has become the direction that I’ve decided to put my time and effort in life, is much more than notes in your ears. It is a deep and real connection to your heart, a necessary and healthy communication with our fellow humans, and often times, at least for me, a transcendent experience of the divine. When I write, I think about all of these things. And it all started with Sunny Day Real Estate for me, so I wanted to share my story. There are many bands, now, that reach deep into my soul, and lift me out of whatever depths I experience, as an emotional person. But hearing this, for me, comes full circle, (or “In Circles,” as they sing). If you’ve never heard the album before, give it a listen, and you might find a new favorite artist or album. If you have, I’m sure you can relate with me, in some way, in how pivotal this band has been in my life.
Prism Reviews 